Mondays

. . . by Owen Rimbo.

Today was my first Monday, and in case you haven't ever had a "case of the Mondays," here's what they're like (as far as I know):

On Mondays, you feel gassy and fussy. If you're Daddy, you get peed on in the middle of the night when he checks a diaper. I can see why Garfield and people who work in cubicles hate them so much. But then when you wake up, Grandma holds you for like, three hours, and you fart a lot. Then you feel WAY better.

Then, after lunch, your friends come over! Graham, and Haley, and Gail, and Derek and Elijah all come over. Elijah is interested in you, because you're sort of the same size. But then he sleeps in your pack n' play. Freeloader. I guess I can share.

You try to impress Haley by filling your diaper, but she's not impressed, no matter how much you poop. Then all the girls and babies stand in one room and talk about boobs (which is where milk comes from) and the guys go in the basement for guy time and play Rock Band. Unless you're a baby, and your hands are too small to hold the controllers.

But then Mommy gets really happy, because Mrs. Gail shows her nursing tips, and they're great! When Mommy tried them, I latched on right away! And now I'm less gassy when I eat.

Soon your friends have to go home, but you don't care, because you're sleeping. Grownups eat the food they brought for dinner while you take a nap in your crib. Then Daddy goes to Target for alone time and shopping while you sleep. When you wake up, you pee on Grandma. And on the wall. Awesome.

While Daddy's at Target, he realizes how tired he is, because he feels like a zombie. He's so tired that he drinks a Frappucino, comes home, and sleeps for two hours. Sorry, Daddy.

Then, at bedtime, you have some colostrum, and snuggle with Daddy while he watches TV. Then you fall asleep. That's pretty much it.